The moment I set foot in Bangalore airport, I felt as though I was back home. It took us about 2 hours to arrive at Prashanti Nilayam and when we arrived, everything was the same. Nothing had changed… well except for the park as the trees had grown much taller.
But everything else in the ashram was the same. The people, the rituals, the way of life.. everything.
I felt, as though I was back again, resuming a life that I had put on hold/pause. I had this immense feeling of dejavu inside of me. And Puttaparthi appeared even more familiar this time.
The first 3 days were hard as I’ve said earlier, I had the addiction thing going on. But I kept a discipline. And by the 3rd day, I had a proper schedule of the day to day activity going on. Here’s how a typical day in the ashram went:
7am – 7.30am Morning shower
7.30am – 8am Breakfast at the South Indian canteen
8am – 9.30am Meditation cum Bhajans
9.30am – 4pm Rest, sightseeing, short meditation at the meditation tree
4pm – 4.30pm Shower
4.30pm – 6pm Meditation cum Bhajans
6pm onwards Swami’s Samadhi Darshan and dinner, followed by a trip to the Goddess Gayathri Mandir and Lakshmi Temple
And that was my daily schedule. Ofcourse it changed accordingly depending on the activities we had. But the schedule kept me busy and I realised, I’m actually quite a disciplined person (if I really put my mind to it).
All in all, I used to meditate for atleast 3 hours + everyday.
I would say it was a battle. A battle within me that was raging on. Battle between the Mind and the Heart. Here’s where I believe many people go wrong. When they say listen to Heart, many people mistake whatever their Mind say and think it’s the Heart that’s talking to them.
One can ONLY hear the Heart when the Mind is silenced.
Try it. Meditate sometime. Soon, as the Mind thinks less.. you will hear your real Self talking to you. That’s the Heart. It tells you random things which are true and beautiful. Things filled with love. And nothing to do with Fear.
If ever one feels fear, then that’s not the Heart anymore. Rather, it’s the Mind.
Remember I said I had my dad’s funeral coin that I brought along to Parthi?
The third last day of the trip, I placed the coin in an envelope and wrote a letter to Swami, telling him that I don’t want to do anything anymore with my physical father. I appreciate his short lived presence in my life and I still love him, but I don’t want to hold on to him any longer.
That day, the Darshan to Swami’s Samadhi was packed. There were devotees from Hyderabad and the Darshan que to Swami’s Samadhi was even longer. If I went for Darshan, I will have to skip dinner (as the canteen closes early). But I wanted to give the coin to Swami.
My initial plan was to bury it under the meditation tree. But the thing about burying negative items under positive things is that, it might affect the whole area. So I scraped that idea and decided to pass the coin to Swami instead.
And I did. I passed it to Him. And thankfully, I was just in time for my dinner too
But I still felt depressed. Nothing changed. My “ritual” was a failure. I still had this feeling of longing for my dad.
However, the next day changed everything.
But I guess I’ll leave that for another day Thanks for reading!
I Love you all very very much!