“This is the Kingdom of Heaven. The Kingdom of Heaven mentioned in the Bible and this world are not two different regions. “The Kingdom is within you,” says the Bible. So it is. The realised being sees this as the Kingdom of Heaven whereas the others see it as ‘this world’. The difference lies only in the angles of vision.” -Ramana Maharshi
***NOTE: So, here it is. We’ve come to the last part of my Parthi experience sharing session. Remember I told you in one of the first post, that I gave up my life? This post is about that
The third and second last day was a day of a ritual for myself. I had written a letter to Swami and I had placed the funeral coin into an envelope and had given it to him during the morning Darshan. I thought that by giving the coin to Swami, I would feel better again.
But I still felt a little sad and depressed. I still had that thought hovering over me about my dad, about my life, about this and about that.. As evening Darshan approached, I walked to the Darshan Hall as usual and went to my usual spot to meditate.
I adjusted myself and the Vedic Chants started, signaling the start of the evening prayers.
I closed my eyes as memories still haunted me. Bodily pains had vanished and the urge to smoke too had died. But only these haunting thoughts remained. My last battle.
Thoughts of holding my father’s remains in the form of ashes, thoughts of smelling the hair of someone I deeply loved, thoughts of patting Lessy on the head, wheeling my brother on the wheelchair.. thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.
I opened my eyes and looked at Swami’s Samadhi. I was on the verge of tears. I asked myself, “Why do you keep thinking about all these?? Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” I was giving up. Infact, at that moment I was in so much of pain as I could not take away the pain of losing my father, losing the people I loved and cared, that at that moment, I thought of taking my life.
Infact I started making plans in the Darshan Hall to take my own life the moment I arrive home in Malaysia. I kept saying to myself, “So much for an Indian trip. Soul searching.. more like losing your soul..”
I started blaming the world. Then from the world, I started blaming myself because realisation started to dawn upon me, that the fault, in the end, was mine. Everything was a projection of my thoughts. Everything. And I couldn’t change the way I thought. I gave up on that aspect.
That’s when I lost it. I wanted to give up my life. I started making arrangements on how to do it in the back of my head.
And then, something happened. For a chance, I looked at the Samadhi, that’s when I heard a small voice, a whisper, that lovingly said, “Give up your life. Give it up to me. I’ll take it. Give it to me. Come.”
Bhajans had ended and as everyone else stood to pay their homage, I sat silently in meditation, in contemplation and asked mySelf, my inner voice, my inner self (my Heart) who was none other than my Master Himself, if what He meant was right.
And the answers came. And that’s when it struck me. I was so stupid.
“Why fear? Why worry? Give up your life to me. I’ll guide you.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“You’ve handled enough. You’ve taken proceedings of your life so much and look where it has led you to. Are you happy? No. Now let me take charge. You just sit back and observe. Be a Witness. Don’t be afraid. Come. Give up your life.”
I was talking to my self. But this was not my usual self. The one that you constantly hear in your head. This Self, was different. It sounded mature, wise, loving, caring.. It sounded like someone very familiar. This was my real Self.
I opened my eyes slowly from my meditation. The line for the homage to the Samadhi had become shorter. I stared at my bare hands. My hands which were shivering. I cupped them and imagined (and actually felt) my hands holding my life. I rose, still cupping my life in my hands and joined in the remaining devotees in the hall to pay my last respects and seek blessings before the end of my trip for this time. I walked slowly and in a daze. Like as though some force of Nature was guiding me, instructing me. As everyone else were holding flowers in their hands for Swami’s Samadhi, here I was, cupping my hands holding my life.
I don’t know if anyone looked at me weirdly. Infact, I was in a trance like state where it didn’t matter at all if people looked or not. My eyes were focused on Swami’s chair right next to the Samadhi.
As I approached the Samadhi, I closed my eyes, trying to feel Swami and I only opened them once I was near His chair. I could feel His empowering presence. And as I bowed in reverence, I looked at His chair, at the stool where He used to rest His feet, and I said, “Take my life. I give up. You take it. I don’t want it. You do what You think is right. What You think is the best. Take it. I give up my life to You. Here You go” and I slowly placed my Life onto Swami’s feet. I touched His feet and walked slowly and sat in a quiet corner and took in the whole moment.
I gave up my life to Swami. I realised, instead of taking my own life, giving it to my Master would do everything good.
I meditated and contemplated and when I opened my eyes, I felt my self so so so much lighter. I felt so much at bliss. I felt like running around the hall just screaming and singing in joy like a child does. Because I had finally set myself free. I had finally realised myself. I finally became who I really was.
I am Free! My Heart felt so much lighter. I felt like laughing out loud for no reason. I just felt so joyful! So contented, so satisfied.
I laughed because I was free. I laughed because I was so stupid all these while. I laughed because I was happy.
Even as I think of that moment and as I’m writing this, I can still feel that breathtaking moment.
I got my answers for so many things.
I realised the reason why I forgot my lines infront of Swami in 2006 was because at that moment I looked into His eyes, I lost myself. I forgot who I was for that split second. I forgot everything (including the lines). I was free for that few moments of staring into His eyes. We were both lost into each other. That short state of bliss. Short second of blissfulness. That lyric didn’t matter anymore.
That was the same moment I felt again when I gave up my life. I forgot everything. I became free. I didn’t pressure myself to remember anything again. I went to a state beyond care. I went beyond that. A dreamlike state.
I learnt the core lesson in this trip: Asking, Believing and Accepting.
You HAVE to Ask if you want something. And when you ask, you HAVE to believe that you will get it and that whatever you get is something good for you. And, (this is the MOST important one of all) Accepting that whatever you get, is meant for you and is for your higher good. And that whatever you receive is what you require and not what you want.
Many can’t accept things. They get passed the two initial stages, but can’t get pass this one. Accepting is when you start to understand that what you receive is what you deserve is good for you and not what you want. Accepting is when you don’t bother one bit what you receive. You don’t make a comment about it. It’s as though you’re contented and satisfied with what you’ve received. You’re genuinely happy and blissed out.
Ever since that day, at that moment, in almost anything I do (ofcourse there are times I forget it), from eating to bathing to even talking with people, I know that it’s not me who’s doing it. But my Master. At times I play a game of pretention where when in any situation I’m in, for instance when I’m eating I say, “I know Swami, you’re hungry. Let’s eat.”. And I when I eat, I eat slowly, with reverence and respect to the food. I say my food prayer. I thank Nature for providing food. Infact, it’s thanks to this practice that I’m a vegetarian now.
I include Him in things I do.
So much so when I’m on the verge of saying a bad word or doing or even thinking of something bad, I ask myself, “Swami’s taken your life. Do you think, if He was you, He would do this or think in such a way?” It’s my version of Constant Integrated Awareness (CIA).
I practice it almost everyday (ofcourse I forget it time and time again) but I hope it becomes a habit
I’m happy. I pray that you too remain happy. Just be Happy. Don’t worry. Nothing is ever wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with the world. Nothing. So stop worrying
Thank you for reading.. and believing in me
With so much of Love and Joy,