You know what’s funny? I used to find the thought of losing my dad to death as something scary. But after I’ve gone through this experience, albeit a painful one, I’ve realised, it was not as bad as I thought it would have been. Stupid me 🙂
Stupid me, would always wake up in the middle of the night to check on him to see if he was still breathing. I used to place my palms at his nostril just to detect his breath. If I did, i used to go back to sleep satisfied. And if I did not, i used to wake him up. And when he wakes up, annoyed, he would ask me “What happen? Why aren’t you sleeping?”
I would cook up an excuse. “Have you seen my blanket?”
I used to live in this constant fear of losing him for nearly 12 years (since 1999). And when I did lose him in the end, I felt extremely lonely and funnily enough, satisfied and relieved.
Some might consider the relieved part as something negative and immoral. But it’s like this; when one has the urge to go to the toilet but doesn’t go and then when one does go, despite the pain of the constipation, the person would still be relieved.
Don’t get me wrong. I did feel extremely sad. Very sad when he passed on. But not as bad as I thought I would have been. I thought i’ll go crazy. Might turn into a lunatic because I had great love for my dad. He was the closest I ever had and he was also my first best friend and teacher.
But I realised, the pain and anguish that would be brought unto me via his death is also a blessing in disguise.
Pain and suffering are like the scorching heat from the sun. It drives you insane. It drives a person mad with thirst. And that’s when men starts looking for water. In my case, my water was, discovering my true self. I thirst to get to know myself. My real true self.
I can safely say, after months and days, I have overcome my father’s death and the death of Swami. I no longer fear death as much as I used to.
Ofcourse there are days when I miss him, but it’s only human. Most of the time I let these thoughts play around for a bit because the thoughts I had about my dad are good memories. I’ve learnt alot from them and from him.
I don’t let these thoughts trouble me anymore. I know what I’ll be if ever I have children. I would want to be a good father just like he was. I’m glad I had him in my 25 years of life, albeit short, but still impactful. That man was full of humility and love. What a great soul.
Anyways, I’m now on one stick a day. Please pray that I would quit smoking.
Love you all very much 🙂