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Paura

 

Today, I felt a a lot less shittier as compared to yesterday. Yesterday was terrible. Had to emcee a wedding reception and I had to put on a happy mask to show everyone that I’m okay. But deep down I was just dying.. a slow painful death.

 

I had to take multiple toilet breaks to compose and wash my face. It was terrible. And the slow love songs didn’t help either. Bala felt bad playing them (he was the DJ for the wedding reception) but he had no choice because these were the songs that our friend requested to be played.

 

It was terrible. But Bala did lift my spirits up when he played one or two songs by Daft Punk and Peter, Bjorn & John.

 

But I got to say, I was pretty amazed at myself for the amount of composure and stress I was going through that period. Partly, I was mostly thankful to Bala and Snow as well. Those guys really made sure I was sane enough.

 

Had a good chat with Snow in the car later on the way home as Bala dozed off behind. He had a good point. He said, “Depression is a state of the mind. If you allow and give it attention, it screws with your mind. Every problem has a solution. We shouldn’t harp on a problem. Instead, we should find a way around the problem.”

 

It opened my eyes. I mean, I have read and heard such stuff but coming from him, it means something. Because I’ve never once seen him depressed or fucked up. Never! He does go through shit but his level of composure is amazing!

 

I realised, it’s pointless to be sad over something when you don’t even know the outcome of “that something”. To be honest, I don’t care what’s the outcome. I just want to make sure people around me are happy. That’s all. I’ll go to great lengths to see them happy (although I do fuck it up sometimes… well okay most of the time.)

 

Snow’s right. I need to stop letting depression get to me and work on myself. I have started my first baby steps. I have not touched cigarettes for the past 3 days and I don’t have the urge yet. I hope it stays on like this for long.

 

In the beginning I was blaming myself for it to happen. But then I thought about it, if I keep blaming this and that and just wallowing in my sadness, I can’t get through this.

 

I don’t care what’s the outcome now. I just want to be a better and positive person.

 

My ex once told me, “You were fine before we met. You will be fine after this too.” You know what? For once, I think she has a point. We can’t really control everything in life. There are just somethings that you can never get control of. And for those things, I just got to leave life to sort it out for itself (started on it today infact and I feel way lighter now than constantly worrying). 

 

I’m stronger than this. I just lost my way, I just need to find it. That’s all. I’ve learnt, that if people do love you, they will give you a chance to be a part of their life (and I’m deeply thankful for that) but I’ve also realised, that if they do love you, they would go to great lengths to stay in your’s too (and I’m very thankful for that too).

 

Fear is a funny thing. It messes with us. It was described beautifully in Yann Martell’s novel, Life of Pi. I think that’s the best description of Fear ever.

 

I only have two problems which stems from one problem. Fear. That’s all. Fear of death, fear of heights, fear of this and fear of that. Fear, fear, fear. What is fear? Just a feeling. Why fear?

 

I just got to learn to overcome it by letting go. I got to accept things as they are. I got to accept events in my life, the way people are and their past. I have a positive feeling that this little phase in my life will bring a positive outcome for me in the future. I know it because I’ve not lost hope in life, because I still do believe in myself. Always did.

 

I’m sorry too.

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