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  • Email: nitrogue@gmail.com
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Midnight Melancholy

And there it was again. That moment. I knew it would be coming. I mean, I saw it coming but for some stupid reason, me being an idiot, I just brushed it aside and didn’t bother much about it. And the moment happened and now here I am, feeling lost and foolish, blaming and telling myself, “Told you so..” It’s like dejavu all over again.

I started to feel sorry for myself. To make myself better, I decided to make myself an orange juice. Well not exactly make, but rather, take a trip to the kitchen and pour myself one. Make. What an idiot..

I sat by myself in the kitchen, poured myself a glass of orange juice and sipped on it while staring blankly at the wall. Feeling bored, I decided to read the packaging of the orange juice; “Tropicana! 100% Orange Juice! Fresh and Yummy!” I looked at the juice in my glass and tried to make out if whatever written on the box was true. I couldn’t tell if it was yummy or fresh. I mean, I was bored and thirsty so probably it would have been yummy and fresh to me. I decided not to care and took another gulp.

It tasted… sweet.

Washing the glass, I walked over to the television and turned on the news. The newscaster was pretty but for a pretty person, boy did she have lots of bad news to share. Accident here, landslide there, this politician’s pissed and that guy’s dead and etc. The only good news, I realised, came from the sports segment. But it didn’t concern me as I don’t watch hockey or basketball and the football team that won, I don’t support them neither. I turned off the television.

I laid in my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling above. My room was quiet and dark and the only source of sound came from the ceiling fan. I sort of like the sound. It used to annoy me but I was too lazy to change the old fan and so I suppose I got used to the sound it made. It became a part of me.

Suddenly I woke up and thought of grabbing a smoke. I sat at the edge of my bed and then realised that I had quit. I slept back with mixed feelings. I still couldn’t sleep.

I decided to count sheep. 1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. 4 sheep. 5 sheep. I pictured them as animated sheeps, like the ones you see in the clay animation “Wallace and Gromit”. I imagined them jumping over the fence. 6 sheep. 7 sheep. 8 sheep. 9 sheep. This is boring. 10 sheep. 11 sheep. Why can’t it be cows? Or pigs? Why sheeps? 12 sheep. Owh come on.. 14 sheep. 16 sheep.

Wait.. I think I lost count. Damn it! I stopped counting. It didn’t work. Whoever said counting sheep to fall asleep must have been fooling around with everyone’s mind.

I turned on my PC and sat staring at Facebook. It’s the new year and everyone’s hyped up about it. Owh boy owh boy. Which brought me to a question, what would my new year’s resolution be?

Work out and have a great body? Nah I always plan so much for working out but it never happened. Scraped that one off. I thought for a bit and almost got dizzy for thinking too hard and too much. I stopped thinking and decided to not bother about resolutions. Sure yeah, it’s nice to have a resolution but hey, in the end, who follows it? No one.

I sat staring blankly at the PC, feeling totally sorry for myself. I enjoy feeling sorry for myself to be honest. But it gets too tedious at times. It’s as though, I feel, I’m an attention seeking whore, to a point where even I’m annoyed at myself for being that way. I picture my attention seeking self complaining about stuff and I go over to him and slap him, to bring him to his or in this case, my senses.

Slap!

I ended up accidently slapping myself in the midst of imagining the above scenario.

I looked at the clock on my PC. 4:03 am with my right cheek throbbing. Wait.. 4:03?? Owh my God! Time flies! No wonder 2012 ended incredibly fast. It’s as though, time got itself a new set of wheels, bigger better and faster wheels and is riding like there’s no tomorrow.

I turned off the PC and tried sleeping again. I couldn’t stop feeling sorry for myself. I imagined myself going over to a door and kept knocking on it rapidly. Waiting for it to be opened. I know someone’s in there. But for some reason, that person does not want to open the door. I mean, come on! It’s me. Open up!

I have gone doors to doors, trying to get them to be opened. I’ve come across some doors with padlocks on it and with signs placed, “Stay Away!” at the entrance. So I’ve never risked going to those. I’ve come across some doors where they’re so easy to be opened. Doors, where I’ve gone in and been chased out. I feel like a salesman.

The sad part is, I’m not. I just have this one big bagpack that I’ve been shouldering on for the past 25-years. And no one cares or dares to look inside it. I mean, why not take a peek? It’s nothing scary. It’s not gonna hurt you.

Have you ever had one of these moments where you’re so bored that you start talking to yourself? Well I do.

Hey, still not asleep yet? What’s these thoughts about door to door huh?” Myself asked me.

Nahh nothing much. Just.. you know one of those days. How come you’re not asleep?” I asked.

Myself replied, “I was too busy trying to catch them sheeps thanks to you.”

Owh damn.. I’m sorry bro.”

And then, suddenly, another one of myself turns up, “Hey! You talking to yourself again man??”

“Me? Nope!”

“Well you better don’t. Go get some sleep!”

I kept silent in the dark. The creaking sound is the only source of sound. I started feeling sorry for myself again. I tossed to the other side and placed my hand under the pillow, which was cold. I love it when these two feelings combine. Warm and cold. I love it. I feel so.. comfortable.

I closed my eyes and slowly started drifting away into the darkness like a little feather.

“1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 she-“

“Shuuu! Shut up!”

 

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