Sometimes i picture her in the back of my head. Her head slightly tilted and she gives that mischievous smile. Her hair is tied to the back in a ponytail, exposing her thick black mole on her forehead. Her tired eyes looking at me. She always looked tired. I always used to wonder to myself, why?
And sometimes, i can hear her voice so clearly in my head. Her laughter. She had this carefree laugh whenever she laughed, like as though she didn’t care what people thought of her when she laughed. All she wanted to do was just laugh.
She was immature at times. And at times she amazed me with her maturity. I didn’t know which was which. I never got a chance to see it face to face and experience it.
I was a jerk back then. I only cared about myself and only myself. I guess i was selfish. I needed attention and she couldn’t give me any. So i seeked elsewhere. No, i’ve never cheated on her, but the thought of cheating on her did come to my mind once or twice when she made me feel lonely.
I guess it’s how things work. People say it happens for the best and for the good. I on the other hand, prefer being silent.
I don’t hate her or anything. Yes, i am a little angry, but i don’t hate her. Infact, i hate myself. I wish i never made her feel fucked up. I wish i was a little bit more patient. I can go on wishing and wishing..
I’ve forgiven her. But i can never forgive myself.
In the end, life still has to go on.