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Dial 1-800-GOD

 

***NOTE: This blog post was created not to poke fun at any religion or religious prophets/apostles/sages/saints/gods/goddesses/demigods/demigoddesses/angels/archangels, etc… etc.. You get my point… This post was created simply to merely poke fun at one’s self. But if you were offended, well think again. I have an uncle who’s a lawyer, an aunt who’s a judge and a cousin who’s a policeman. So yeah, try getting offended now. Also, the title of the post was the genius idea of Bala. However, the post below is the genius idea of mine.

 

Just another day at the Heaven’s call centre. Gabriel punches his card in and walks to his work desk and sits next to Buddha.

 

Buddha: Hey man, wassup?

 

Gabriel: Hey dude. Rough night last night (wipes his nose) How’s the calls coming along?

 

Buddha: The usual. Apparently more from Haiti now…

 

Gabriel: Tsk… Sad. (logs into his pc and straight away a call comes in) Great! Just when I log in, the call just HAD to come in. Just great.

 

The phone goes on ringing.

 

Gabriel: Yeah, coming! Coming! Damn… (answers the call and speaks in a very enthusiastic manner) Gabriel speaking! How can I assist you??

 

Caller 1: Angel Gabriel?

 

Gabriel: Yepp! Gabriel on the line! Who’s this?

 

Caller 1: I… err…

 

Gabriel: Not to worry if you’re too shy with the details. We have it all right here in the data base, Muthu. Just state your prayer.

 

Caller 1: I pray that I strike lottery this week again!

 

Gabriel: This week?

 

Caller 1: Yeah, this week.

 

Gabriel: I’m not too sure about this week but you’ll definitely strike a lottery someday alright.

 

Caller 1: But why can’t it be this week??

 

Gabriel: Because it’s not that important for you and plus you’ve already striked one last week.

 

Caller 1: Listen! You’re an angel and this is my prayer! Answer it or else I won’t believe in you guys anymore! You here me? This week! (puts the phone down)

 

Gabriel: (puts his hands on his face) Just the way to start work…

 

Buddha: Relax man.  Take it easy. Just look at me, I’m happy all the time. I’m always in this Nirvanic state of mind.

 

Gabriel: (looks at Buddha) Nirvanic what?

 

Buddha: Nirvanic state of mind. And I’m thinking of a make over man. I’m planning to cut my hair and go bald again.

 

Gabriel: Why can’t you be like Guru Nanak over there who maintains his facial profile?

 

Buddha: Guru Nanak looks weird without a beard man. Leave that poor dude alone.

 

Kuan Yin walks in with a file.

 

Kuan Yin: Okay people. Listen up!

 

Buddha straightens himself up.

 

Kuan Yin: We got a serious case in our hands right now. Reference number is 67543. It’s about a 23 year old who’s planning to commit suicide right now at this moment. Any takers for this one?

 

Buddha: Uuu that’s gonna be a tough one.

 

Gabriel raises his hands.

 

Gabriel: I’ll take it!

 

Kuan Yin: You sure you can handle it, Gabe?

 

Gabriel: Yepp. Leave it to the fallen angel (winks at Kuan Yin)

 

Buddha: (rolls his eyes) Show off…

 

Gabriel: Okay here we go. (dials the reference number in and get’s in touch with the 23 year old) Hey there amigo!

 

Caller 2: Umm… hi..?? Who’s this?

 

Gabriel: This is your inner voice, your inner conscious speaking.

 

Caller 2: Umm… can you be more specific?

 

Gabriel: Dude, it’s Angel Gabriel. What’s happening?

 

Caller 2: I’m not doing so well…

 

Gabriel: I know. It’s here in the database. You lost your job and your girlfriend dumped you and now you’re planning on suicide. Way to go, Adam!

 

Caller 2: How d..do you know my-

 

Gabriel: If I were you, I won’t plan on committing suicide because it’ll just make things worst.

 

Caller 2: How do you know?

 

Gabriel: Well… (scratches his head) You people call it intuition but we call it the ability to see the future. So yeah. It’ll make things worst.

 

Caller 2: Why are you responding now? Why didn’t you or God stop all those shits from taking place?

 

Gabriel: Because it’s meant to happen for the good.

 

Caller 2: Good?? Dude! Are you high on weed or something??

 

Gabriel: Me?? No (turns to Buddha) Buddha on the other hand…

 

Caller 2: If it all happened for the good, why am I not feeling so good about it? Why do I feel like shit? And how can all these possibly happen for the good??

 

Gabriel: I can get into detail about this one okay Adam but it’ll take more than 5 hours to explain to you just the basic mechanism about the whole process. You just have to believe and have a little bit of Faith in us. Okay?

 

Caller 2: It’s easy for you to say.

 

Gabriel: Adam, it’s never easy for us too. All of us have got choices. We’re just here to guide and show the way. The rest, you got to do yourself. The choices you take, it’s all in your hands. Had I not cared for you, I wouldn’t have answered your call in the first place. This was a choice I took. Because I care.

 

Caller 2: Does He care? Does God care??

 

Gabriel: Believe me He does.

 

Caller 2: And how sure can you be? How sure are you that such thing as God exists??

 

Gabriel: (slaps his head) Jesus!

 

Jesus: (gets up) Somebody called me?

 

Gabriel: No! Sit down! (takes a deep breath in) Adam, He does exist.

 

Caller 2: Prove it!

 

Gabriel: (cups his hand on the phone and shouts) Okay people! We’ve got an emergency issue here!

 

Everyone on the floor stands up and looks at Gabriel.

 

Gabriel: We need to resolve this issue immediately or else we’ve got to escalate it to Level 3. And IF we do that, it’s not good for us because it just shows how useless we all are.

 

Shiva: Okay so what’s the issue?

 

Buddha: Hey! Shiv, why’s the cobra in here man?? No pets are allowed in here remember?? (points at the cobra around Shiva’s neck)

 

Shiva: No time for that now Buddha. (turns to Gabriel) Okay tell us, what’s the issue.

 

Everyone gathers around Gabriel.

 

Gabriel: This dude needs some convincing. So we need Miracle Machine on standby mode RIGHT NOW! Pronto!

 

Shiva: But what kind of miracles are we looking at? And also, is he a Sai devotee? Those are the hard ones to please…

 

Everyone looks at Kuan Yin (who’s also the Team Leader).

 

Kuan Yin: The usual.

 

Everyone: The usual??

 

Kuan Yin: Yepp the usual.

 

Everyone groans.

 

Shiva: Great… I’ll get the vibuthi ready.

 

Gabriel: Guru Nanak! You make sure the vibuthi comes out from the photo alright? Keep an eye on them!

 

Guru Nanak: (groans) Just when I was about to take my 5 minute break…

 

Gabriel: Okay Adam, if I’m not mistaken, there’s a photo near you at the moment right now.

 

Caller 2: Err… (looks around) Yes there is. A Ganapathi photo. What’s a Ganapathi photo doing in a Christian man’s house I’ve got no idea.

 

Ganapathi: Why does it always has to be ME???

 

Everyone shushes Ganapathi up.

 

Gabriel: Observe the photo and you will see Vibuthi forming on the photo.

 

Caller 2: Gabriel… It’s just dust.

 

Gabriel: Dust?? You call that dust?? (cups the phone and shouts) Plan B! Plan B everybody! He thinks those are dusts!

 

Shiva: Great… no one appreciates me..

 

Gabriel: Okay so how do we convince you then Adam?

 

Caller 2: Well… The miracle has to be something that is personal to me. Something that relates to me you know?

 

Gabriel: Okay. (cups the phone) Shiva! Do your thing!

 

Shiva: What thing? My snake dance?

 

Gabriel: Nooo! Not that thing. THAT thing!

 

Shiva: Owhh! Sorry! Okay! Okay!

 

Gabriel: Okay Adam, if you observe carefully now, the vibuthi or the dusts as you so affectionately call it, are forming words on the photo.

 

Caller 2: Okay… hold on… umm… (reads the words out loud) Hi – Adam – We – Love – You. Hi Adam we love you?? This is so gay!

 

Gabriel: Dude! What else do you need? What kind of convincing do you need?

 

Caller 2: I don’t know. You tell me!

 

Gabriel: (looks at Kuan Yin) Shall we escalate this issue to Level 3?

 

Kuan Yin nods her head. Nods at Hanuman.

 

Hanuman: Hanuman, standing by.

 

Gabriel: Adam, hang in there. Help coming your way. (puts the receiver down and covers his head)

 

Buddha: Dude, you okay?

 

Gabriel: I so need my 5 minute coffee break now. The extent we go to help out these people and how they still have lack of faith in us. And here we are working 24/7 364 days a week. I only get an off on Christmas!

 

Buddha: Chill out man. Nirvanic state of the mind. Remember that!

 

All in a day’s work. The next time you’ve got a problem, use your heart and dial G for God. Help surely is on the way.  

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