April Blues




I don’t know what to write in this post. It has been an eventful month, April. We met Amma, a spiritual person, she gave us loving hugs which charged our energies up. The last days in Uni, handing down my student ID and now I’m currently applying for jobs. And then the trip to Penang which was amazing! Followed by the one year anniversary of my Father’s and Swami’s death.


I admit, sometimes I mask the sadness I have inside of me. I don’t dare showing it. I hate to show the world that I’m weak and when I’m sad, I prefer just being alone. I do get these waves of emotions hitting me from time to time. Questions and thoughts cloud my mind. Why this? Why that? Why me?


I know I shouldn’t be thinking this way, but sometimes I just wallow in it so that I can feel a little more alive.. alittle more… human.


I miss my dad and Swami. Sometimes, even when I say to myself that Swami’s still here and that he’s not gone, I wish, I can believe in it.


I mean, I know that He’s not gone.. but the Illusion is so strong sometimes that I still think He’s gone. Foolish me.


I miss many people in my life. And I hope and pray, that someday I can sit and talk to them and explain things. Why I did certain things. Why I HAD to do certain things. I’m really complicated, very unpredictable, but if you give me a chance to explain, you will find that everything I say and did had a very simple reason to it and meant for the higher good. It was never for the bad.


We’re slowly moving on. Mum’s planning to buy new furniture’s for the house and we’re planning to paint the house as well. Slowly, we’re moving.


I bet my dad’s proud of me that I’m done with my studies! I can’t wait to start work, own a car (probably get a Myvi).


I just miss you Pa and Swami. Sometimes, it’s good to wallow in such emotions, once in a while Smile But not always.


I’m glad both your passing’s changed me, for the good. I realised, when people leave my life, I get scared, and then angry, and then revengeful and then depressed, and then.. I start accepting and start living.


I guess it’s a process. I’m not perfect, but someday I’ll be Smile


I walked up this Pagoda in the Kek Lok Si Temple in Penang. It had 7 floors. The first floor, at the bottom at the ground floor, there’s a huge statue of the Buddhist Monk, Xuanzang and then as one slowly ascends the first floor, there’s a statue of the Buddha in his another form. And as one ascends the floors above it, the steps become much steeper, the designs of the Pagoda is even more intricate, the floors maze like and there are different forms of the Buddha. And finally, when one reaches the top of the Pagoda, there’s nothing, except an open air room and a beautiful statue of the Buddha is in there. This baffled me as the floors below were designed so complicated, with much pomp and show but the 7th floor which held the statue of Buddha’s real form, that floor was designed with much simplicity.


And then it hit me. The Pagoda symbolizes the journey of a spiritual aspirant. We start off as someone curious, and religious like the XuanZhang monk and then we slowly learn, go through life and it’s hurdles, take on different forms, slowly we evolve, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually as we take births after births and with all that, we become complicated, less simple, more confused, but it’s meant to be. Because it’s part of the process and when we have achieved the “7th Floor/Level” we become nothing. We become simple. We’ve become One with everything around us. We become the Buddha. The Pagoda symbolizes “Ascension”. That’s our sole purpose, to Ascend.


I’m sorry if my constant posts about Spirituality constantly annoys you. I have nowhere else to look to, except Spirituality. I tried seeking satisfaction in other places, but it never helped. So I apologize for trying to look too Spiritual. I’m not. I’m just.. comfortable living this way Smile 





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