***Note: This blog post is not mocking a certain political figure or party, but rather the general sad state of the Malaysian politics as a whole. To view the first blog post, click HERE.
YB Sukhbir Cheema, Rasah’s member of parliament sits down to face the reporters. As of yet, no fresh scandals linking him or his party to anything had emerged today.. yet. Feeling confident, it was his turn to ask reporters a question.
YB: So, any new fresh scandal linking me to anyone you have for me hari nih?
Reporters smile, some laugh and all shake their head. There were no scandals today. One bold reporter, however, knowing that today was going to be a dry day, decides to dig a story from the infamous YB to obtain a byline of his own for the paper.
Reporter: YB, in your opinion, what is democracy?
YB: Ah! Inilah soalan yang saya nak! Soalan yang best, bernas! Ader kelas! Soalan pasal video sek and citizenship semua takder standard. What I think of demokrasi eh?
Reporter: Yes, democracy.
YB: For me, demokrasi is when you give a hungry man food to makan. But you choose what to bagi dialah. Kalau dia lapar, tapi dia mintak burger Mak Donald, maner boleh? Bagik dia roti telur jer la. Asal dia kenyang, I jimat duit, dua-dua happy, itu kira demokrasi lah!
Reporter: What is clean elections to you?
YB: For me ah very simple. Tempat voting tuh kenalah bersih. Jangan buang sampah merata-rata. Jangan ludah, buang air kecik atau besar di tempat pilihanraya. Kalau terdesak pun, larilah ke tandas yang terdekat. Atau bawak beg plastik. Kebersihan adalah tanggungjawab bersama.
Reporter: According to your party’s manifesto, if your party succeeds in taking over Putrajaya, prices of petrol and diesel would drop. How will you go about this?
YB: Very easy. Increase the harga rokok dan alkohol to compensate the petrol dan diesel price lah!
Reporter: That’s brilliant! Have you and your party members worked on an action plan for this simple yet difficult to implement initiative?
YB: Yes ofcourse! Kita dah duduk, dah berbincang dah!
Reporter: So what is the action plan going to be like?
YB: We sat down and bincang. Bincang punya bincang, we realised 99% of our members hisap rokok and minum. Susah nak stop, sebab dah jadik tabiat kan? Yang 1% tuh which represent the only woman in the party, which is my wife, dia tak rokok atau minum. So kita telah capai satu resolusi dimana kita akan suruh everyone to cycle to work and school. That way, harga petrol dan diesel takyah turun dan semua orang masih boleh hisap rokok dan minum seperti biasa. Amacam? Best tak?
Safe to say, our favorite YB made it to yet another successful front page again in all the dailies.
Reporter: YB, a member of your party was- *gets cut off*
YB: I know, I know. You nak my komen kan?
Reporter: Yes, YB.
YB: My komen is.. I’m an atheist so I kenot answer religious punyer questions.
Reporter: But YB, these were some serious remarks made by your party member. It has enraged the Hindu community in your constituency. What do you have to say to them?
YB: What do I have to say to them?
YB: All I can say is, don’t marah la. Itu jer. Apa lagi you nak I say?
Reporter: Don’t marah? That is your reply to this?? Wouldn’t this further compel the public to vote against you, as it is you have a string of scandals under your belt?
YB: I masih ada my Bangla and Indon friends who are now Malaysians what. *grins*
In what appeared to be a crude April Fools joke, Sukhbir who’s also leader of the Parti Orang Kampung And Internasional (POKAI), announced during a press conference that he was elected as Prime Minister by default through the “previous” PM.
“I hereby declare that I’m the new Prime Minister of Malaysia. I received a phone call from our previous PM that he had decided to allow me to take over his position. Expect petrol prices to drop,” he said, adding later on that it was an April Fools joke as many reporters took it seriously.
“I was just joking! I can never be the PM.. yet and petrol prices can never drop as this is just a ploy by politicians to garner votes,” Sukhbir said.
Datuk Loo Kong Kek, chairman of Malaysia’s Old Revolutionary Old Nationals (MORON) party slammed Sukhbir’s antics, describing it as “utterly distasteful and immature”.
“How can a member of parliament produce such a rude, immature and tasteless statement?” he said , adding that Sukhbir should have respected the date.
According to Loo, who’s also Sukhbir’s political rival, the date was an auspicious one as this was when Atheists celebrated Christmas.
Sukhbir, who already has a list of scandals and conspiracies under his belt said the joke was done in good fun and humour.
“That’s the problem with Malaysians. They love it when a politician is involved in sex scandals but can’t take a joke such as this easily,”
“They just need to relax, go to the Mamak and have some teh tarik to calm their nerves.” he added.
YB: Thank you very much la kepada rakan-rakan media yang sudi hadiri press komperense hari nih. Pagi tadi, I uploaded one video, which memang sah lah, Datuk Loo Kong Kek tengah nak buat sek dengan budak kecik. This sek video further proof that famous imbuhan Bahasa Melayu, that sound something macam nih, “Sepandai-pandai melompat, akhirnya jadik tupai jugak” Even Loo has tengkorak in his closet!
Reporter: YB, I have watched the video, but honestly, there were no such sexual acts depicting Loo with the underage girl. It was just a video of him talking to her in what appears to be in a shopping mall.
YB: He memang buat sek with her after that. I just don’t want to show you everything yet sebab this one is just teaser.
Reporter: Why didn’t you upload the full video then?
YB: Slowly by slowly la i show you. This one trailer jer. Ader lagi..
Reporter: When will you be releasing the rest of the video?
YB: In days to come.
Reporter: But YB wouldn’t it had been more logical if you released the full video straight away?
YB: I want to ask you, what’s your favorite series?
Reporter: I’m sorry YB?
YB: Siri maner you suka? House ker? Game of Throne ker? Desperate punyer housewife ker? Aper?
Reporter: Err Game of Thrones..
YB: You cuba observe series nih, episode 1 diorang intro the main karektor, episode 2 dia tunjuk bapak dia mati pastu episod 3 isteri dia meninggal then last last, episod ke berapa entah baru dia tunjuk dragons. You syiok tak tengok camtu? Kalau dia kumpul semua scene and tunjuk straight you gerenti sakit kepala.
Reporter: Sounds sensible.. I think it’s a good way to grab the audience’s attention of wanting for more, YB.
YB: Ahh you see! Exactly my point! In this case pun I tunjuk teaser la. Just this 30 second punya teaser tunjuk dia speaking ngan budak kecik, you dah naik interest. Kalau I tunjuk one shot, you think you interest tak?
Reporter: So any idea when exactly you’ll be showing us the rest? Give us a date.
YB: As soon as we have recorded the other parts. The videos will be released during the campaigning period. Currently semua videos tengah dalam proses post production.
Reporter: What do you mean by as soon as we have recorded other parts?
YB: Just like how we recorded this one la last week. Need to record some more sebab our aktor tengah busy.
Reporter: So the video is fake?
YB: I didn’t say that.
Reporter: But you certainly implied that YB..
YB: I just say we kena record lagi. Tuh jer. Not the video is fake. You don’t spin my story ah!
Reporter: So the actor, alleged to be Loo, is fake as well?
YB: What you talking? He memang real!
Reporter: It doesn’t makes sense for him, your political rival, to find time to record a sex video that will ultimately taint his own image for you.
YB: If I can record myself having sek, why not him?