There’s this little prayer I usually say unconsciously while driving my car on the way to Uni. I usually pray, “Swami, let me, my mother, my father, my dog Lessy and my friends go and come back safely from work, town, college and school.” And then I recite the Gayathri Manthra which I try to recite three times but most of the time I end up reciting more than that.
And today I realised that I have to make changes to that little prayer. And when I realised that, I felt this sudden pain in my heart. I had to exclude the “my father and my dog Lessy part”. It hurt me to not mention them anymore.
Every single day I wake up is a challenge to me. The first thought that comes into my mind is the thought of my father. Usually I would be able to hear him coughing in the kitchen, preparing breakfast for himself.
And every single night I sleep is a hurdle. I try to sleep but thoughts of my father keep coming back to me. Him living, breathing, walking and visions of him as a dead body in the house.
I tried writing but as much as I could, there came a point where I could think nothing else but him. I apologise for not writing for a long time. It’s difficult being distracted especially with thoughts like these. Honestly, I stopped writing about two weeks ago.
I try not to show that I’m depressed and I suppose I’m making head way with these. I hate people sympathising. I feel weak and vulnerable when people do that.
If ever I get a chance to meet my father again, I’ll tell him what a great man he is. How through his simplicity and humility, despite him lacking an educational background, he made me understand what it means loving someone. His wisdom was so profound and he was extremely wise and patient.
And I also realised, ever since his demise, I feel at times, the things I do such as the way I walk or talk, reminds me of him. I feel… more like my father at times. Especially the way he walks. And the way I explain things through my gestures. I guess, a part of him still lives with me, within me.
And there are also times when I imagine that he’s a greater being now. One that knows everything that’s happening, ever alert, ever observant, guiding me somehow in his own way. It’s as though he’s part of the Universe now.
And I try talking to him. The more I talk, the more I realise that I’m actually speaking to my Heart. MySelf. But there are times I get confused, which one am I really speaking to, the Heart or the Mind? How do i differentiate these two?
Give me some time. Please be patient. I’ll get back to writing daily.
Love you all,